'When-I'm-Alone' Thoughts

I'm currently living a rather unhealthy, happy life. Emotionally, mentally and physically.

The need of having someone to want me.

The misuse of comfort.

The overdose of caffeine and cigarettes.

We all want to be loved. But how far would you go to getting it? Is physical contact that important to make you feel wanted and loved? Is it as comforting as knowing that someone is always thinking and caring about you? What ever happened to 'it's the thought that counts' principle?

I have to admit it. I do miss having someone to hold. Just that one special person. Believe me when i say i've been holding on to alot of people but they all don't seem right. I left the one person i was really comfortable with, just like that. Sneaked away like as if it never existed.

Do i regret it? No. But I miss it though. I'm missing it real bad.

Disappointments

Ok. Again, i never get the things i want.

She's not coming on Sunday.
He didn't drop by to say hi.

I must stop putting hopes on things that have no end.

(Thank god i can rely on coffee, always.)

Dejavu

I can't believe what happened last night. It was rather surreal. But this time it felt alright. I didn't get lost in it. Maybe to me it was a closure. Or maybe it feels good to know that he is still interested.

He kept waving to me, inviting me to join him for drinks. I wish to believe that he was begging me to join him for drinks. He talked too much and made me sleepy. But when it was all quiet, i was awake and alert.

It may have been an interesting night. But i must remember that i'm single and not available to men. I must remember that women have their own rights and that must not be taken advantage of, especially by men. I must be strong because the magic won't work on me.

3 Rules I Learnt This Month

I shall not see anyone right now. No dates please. Fuck the seriousness of dates. Let's all chill out and hangout. If you can't do that with me, please get lost.

I shall not sleep around. One sleeping partner and that's all i need. A fuck buddy with no strings attached. No expectations, no arguments, no future. Just fun and comfort. (Girls are not included in this.)

I shall be gay for life. I may get married and have the oh-so-perfect family. But i know i still have gay in me.

These are my rules until whenever.

The Truth Is Out

The rumour is true. The show has ended and i've accepted. It ended as fast as it started. Very interesting. Very frustrating. Very disgusting and very unbelievable.

I pity the women. I pity the children. I pity his sad life as it's empty and meaningless. Cruel and selfish. Why did he lead his life this way? It's so wrong. So insincere. Such greediness. Such a shame.

I guess it's true that lies can never be hidden. I'm lucky i found out soon enough. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. But now the lucky girl seems to have lost trust in people.

I'm never going to be that naive again. Thank god.

In His Shoes

A 21 year old girl, in quite a bit of debts, one of the main breadwinners of the family, would definitely most likely be hungering for some sort of financial stability. It has been 5 years since her dad past away. She longs for the comfort of his voice, the boundaries that he sets and the protection he secures the family with.

A 38 year old with all the financial stability one can have. A career that can give him an early retirement. He longs for someone to shower him with a little love and sincerity. He doesn't need anything material. All he wants is to know that no matter how busy he is, there's someone caring and thinking of him. Someone whom he doesn't have to take much care of as he is always too busy with his job. Someone he can trust when he's away. Someone responsible to take care of his heart.

I cherish alot of things in life. I've seen things that disappointed me fully. I don't have to see much to experience more. I just have to feel more and that's enough for me to understand. I feel him, but he's never there. What more could he look for? Then again, what more do i have? I understand his points of view. But i don't get why there isn't any action behind those words. To be in his shoes, i would definitely not jump into any relationships too soon. With that sort of financial stability, i wouldn't want the girl to fall for me because of my money. With so much work to do, i wouldn't want to traumatize the girl with so little time i have for her. With so many other responsibilities i have, i would like the girl to know how to take care of herself as well.

If this is the truth, it's beautiful and i'm ready for it. But if it isn't, again, it's one of the biggest disappointments in my life.

Being Serious

Dating a person is one thing. Being serious with the person is another.

My colleague commented that i look different recently. He asked if i've fallen in love.

Does falling in love make you look different?

I think it seems hard to get serious because of his job. There isn't much time for us to talk about the relationship. Just when things are progressing, it is put on hold because he has to go away. I guess that's the main reason why it's going on slow. I really hope he's sincere about wanting me. I don't want him to want me just because he knows i'm very interested in him. I want him to want me because he wants to. Because he likes me. Or even so loves me. Does he even know whether he loves me or is it just infatuation?

I keep thinking about whether this feeling is just a crush or something more than that.